Not the race I was hoping or training for. But another great lesson in mental toughness and my lack thereof. Here is how it went down!

(For all things pre-race, including training and preparation: go here or to the last post.)

Race Morning

Woke up at 3:30 to have some breakfast well ahead for the starting time (6:40) but wasn’t not hungry. I mean, who wants breakfast in the middle of the night?! Not me! Although, given the fact that I get up at 4:30 most mornings, it’s usually not a big deal. However, this morning it took me a LONG time (30 minutes) to get down my breakfast. No cause for worry. If this had happened and then I would have had no stomach issues in the race, I wouldn’t even mention it or think twice of it as I did get it down in the end.

The morning routine went well. I have done this race twice before (2014 + 2015) and lived in Flagstaff for 5 years, so I am fairly familiar with the race location and what the morning entails. I traveled and raced solo this year as I have done for a few big races like IM Coeur d’Alene and Vineman and I am ok with it but I sure wouldn’t mind having one person there to support me on race day. That’s ok though because I CHOOSE this adventure and our family is making it work out in a way that works best for ALL of us.

Got in a good warm-up on land (easy running, drills, strides, checking out the swim course) and also about 5 minutes in the water. I could’ve taken 10 in the water (and maybe I should have) but I was worried about getting too cold.

The Swim (1:00:18 – 1:34/100m)

By the time I went over to the start, the front line was basically taken. No big deal. Not like I am one of the faster swimmers. Last time I lined up in the 2^nd row in the middle and that turned out well, so I did that again. Gun went off, we sprinted, and sprinted some more, hello + thank you, oxygen! I found myself behind another girl and stayed there for a minute until I realized that she was too slow. Went around her and – nothing! A little group just far enough ahead that I knew I wasn’t going to catch up. I sped up anyway to see if the gap would shrink but it didn’t and they pulled away – very slowly. Slowly enough that I knew I could swim with them if I was in the group. Frustrating! But I got right over it and to work.

The rest of the swim was – uneventful. I just swam by my own little self for the next 2 miles. Water temp was fine. Sun was fine. I am pretty sure I swam rather straight. I sighted off the group in front of me for the first half. I took Dixon’s advice and didn’t swim the buoy line on the way back but stayed a bit further to the right. I figured the AG men would come by me anytime around the half-way mark like in Nice and MT. But they never came. (The one time I actually need them!!) They didn’t come until the last 400 or so. Then I latched on and got a ride.

Overall, I felt good. Really good, actually. I knew I wasn’t setting any records but it was solid and I burnt zero physical matches. Mentally, it would’ve been nice to swim in a group. I did beat myself up for a bit but not long. In the end, I swam exactly 1:00. That was the plan but I don’t wear a watch so I had no clue until the race was over. Which is how I prefer it. I am also not sure if I was pulling other girls or not. No one came around me that I know of. It looks like the group ahead of me swam around 1 minute faster in the end. Not a big deal.

T 1 – 3:40

Not my best transition, that’s for sure. A bit of a shitshow. The ladies in the tent are so nice and kind but most of the time it’s easier to do it by myself. I put on my dry aero top because it was cold (for me). Visor fell off my helmet and that took a minute. Carried my bike shoes to my bike, put them on there and – couldn’t find my bike. Ha! Of course, I had made sure I knew where it was but – brain freeze! Passed a couple of people in the shoot that were fiddling with their shoes and off I went. I had no clue where I was in the race. Would’ve been nice to know that I came out of the water in 9^th because I would’ve been THRILLED. Not too shabby!

The Bike (5:16:38 – 21.24 mph)

Not happy with my bike. I guess this is where I look at my power file? #tendayslater Last I checked, it hadn’t uploaded for some reason. Good thing I just unpacked my Garmin… Nope. Still not uploading that file… Even without a look at my file, I can tell you that power and speed were lower than I wanted it. Not quite what I had been training for. But not a huge surprise either.

My left leg was a PAIN IN THE ASS from the start. Discomfort all the way down my leg. I took some Ibuprofein after only 40 minutes because it was bugging me so much. It eventually got better on the 2^nd loop. Here is what I think: No doubt, I still have a major issue in that leg that needs to be addressed and has not been figured out. The cold swim and then cold air on the bike make the problem worse. So does hard biking without a warm-up. Bad combination. I got over it but power was lower the first hour than I wanted it to be and that plus the pain took a mental toll.

2^nd lap was SO MUCH BETTER. I was warmed up, the leg was behaving, power was where it should be. Nutrition + hydration for the first 2 laps was on point and no noticeable issues. The wind had picked up quite a bit but it didn’t affect me. I am used to wind! (It really wasn’t that bad in my opinion.) I also told myself it would die down during the 3^rd lap like coach had told me. Ha! Special needs went well. I peed. Took the caffeine pill at 2 hours. I passed a couple of pro women which was nice! Up to this point, I had gotten passed quite a bit. But I took it as a good sign when the likes of Piampiano and Anett passed me and figured my swim must not have been so bad. But I do wish I could stay with these girls for longer when they come by.

I really thought lap 3 would go well also but it didn’t. Back to fighting for every watt. Wind got worse instead of better but I have no excuse. The wind made no difference. Neither did the crowds. There were a couple of times where the AG men really got in my way but other than that, I was able to race my own race. The last hour on the bike is when I really started to not be able to get my nutrition down and felt off. You know me, I eat like a champ. And I don’t allow excuses. You stick to your nutrition plan the best you can no matter what – that is my philosophy. Things don’t usually improve by NOT sticking to your plan unless there are major issues. I didn’t have any major issues at this point. But I remember holding my waffle in my hands for something like 20 minutes and it still wasn’t going down.

It didn’t throw me off much. I figured I’d get through the bike slower than I had wanted but I also knew that I had plenty of calories in me AS LONG AS I could eat on the run. And for the first time EVER in an Ironman, I had confidence in my run. I didn’t get worried about it on the bike. No doubts about my run fitness started to creep in. I knew I was ready. So I was actually looking forward to getting OFF the bike and running.

T2 – 1:39

Now that was a speedy IM transition. I even took my top off and put socks on! Unlike 2015, I was ready to get out on that run course!

The Run (3:36:27 – 8:15/mi)

I am still heartbroken about this run. I am not ENTIRELY sure what happened but I have a pretty good guess. It started out according to plan. Find a good pace that I think is sustainable and go with it. THEN look at your watch periodically and see what that pace actually is.

Did I start out too fast? I am wondering now that I can see the splits. It didn’t feel like it but it looks like it. Honestly, I DON’T think so. It was a fueling issue. I am used to eating 1 gel every 2 miles. I came off the bike at a slight deficit already. I was able to get down a few gels. I would say the issues really started around mile 8. I wasn’t able to take in much save some coke. I ran the Ironman Nice marathon almost entirely on coke so that shouldn’t be a problem! I felt really bloated but no bathroom issues so far. I stopped at special needs for my emergency glucose tablets. I figured I could at least get those down.

Eventually, I gave in and went to the bathroom. That was the end of that run. I didn’t ABSOLUTELY have to stop. I was NOT about to poop my pants. I just wanted to see if I could get some relieve in my gut. It helped some. I went to the bathroom 2 or 3 more times because every time I ate the tiniest morsel, it decided to come back out. I really wish I could just throw up. But it’s not something my body does. Can’t remember last time I threw up – years ago. But mentally at this point I GAVE UP on myself and GAVE IN to the discomfort and the fact that things weren’t going my way and I wasn’t going to meet my goal.

And THAT RIGHT THERE is why I am so pissed and disappointed in myself. It’s not because I went slower than I had hoped for. Or that I was having gut issues. It’s because I stopped fighting for every damn second out there. I stopped racing, I just wanted to finish. I was absolutely going to finish, so I went to a pace that felt sustainable and comfortable, and looked like I was still trying but, really, I just wanted to get to the finish so I could be done. ONCE AGAIN, I finished with REGRETS and within my comfort zone.

Post-Race Thoughts

I seem to ONLY be able to finish without regrets when I do 2 IM races close together. Regrets after the 1^st one, nail the 2^nd one in terms of mental toughness. I wonder if, although I don’t think so, I cracked under pressure. Do I do better with 2 IM races in a row because the pressure (mostly internally) is off for both?

There are no excuses. I saw Emily L. out there. She was suffering. But she ALWAYS pushes through. And ends up in the med tent. I know I joke about the med tent but, honestly, I really would like to be able to go there!! Be able to push myself hard enough that I need medical assistance. It seems impossible for me. I have this big huge comfort zone and I am ok at the edge of it for a long time but I cannot step outside of it. This is where some speed training and more running races could come in handy earlier next year. But even then…

I am really good at Ironman TRAINING. I can nail the workouts for days, weeks, months on end. I like it. I thrive on the consistency, the monotony, the ‘grind’, the routine, the fitness, the singular focus. But I SUCK at Ironman RACING. How is that possible? I just don’t think I am cut out for racing AT THE EDGE for that many hours. Something inside of me breaks after a while and keeps me from pushing myself over the edge. Which has me wondering about Ultraman. (I didn’t even have to mention this to Karl, he guessed it.) It has always intrigued me and I wonder if I am better at sustaining a slightly slower pace for longer. It’s on my list but not in the near future. Probably in another 10 years or so… It also is getting me excited about going back to SHORT COURSE again once I am 40. (In a couple of years.) I’ve had so much fun with the shorter races this year on a local level and I am excited to see what I can do at 40 on an (inter-) national level. But for the next 2 years I am going to keep giving Ironman a crack and see if I can’t have that ONE race where it all comes together. (The husband is praying that it’s sooner than later. Ha.)

It’s been 10 days and I am getting over the disappointment. It’s ok to have a little pity-party and be hard on myself. (Even if some people don’t agree.) For a while. But now it’s time to accept the failure, get over it, move on, realize that I am human, and own my weakness.

Recovery

Recovery decidedly went far too well – immediate as well as short-term. I am having these visions of smashing myself into the ground and having to be wheeled away in a wheelchair but reality is that I was able to jog a mile next to a friend later that night after my finish with NO PROBLEM. (I did feel like going home and having a good cry about the race but I know it’s much better to stay and focus on OTHERS and their races for the rest of the night.) A double swim and a spin the next day? No problem. By Wednesday my hike turned into a trail run because I FELT LIKE RUNNING. What?!? By Thursday, for the first time ever, I actually thought a double is doable – I want to go to Cozumel! Since that wasn’t going to happen, I thought about the 50k. But this was going to be the husband’s race, so I dismissed the idea. And came up with a 3:20 treadmill marathon. I mean – seems like appropriate ‘punishment’ for not emptying the tank during IMAZ. Then the husband HIMSELF suggested the 50k. I love that guy! Recovery has been going well since then and running and biking on trails has been a BLAST. So has the swim challenge. Just what I needed to get back into the swing of things without any pressure and just for the love of the sport! I haven’t looked at a watch since the race. NO WATCH TIME.

My body itself is holding up well. And by that I mean – relatively well. I will definitely take some more time OFF after the 50k. I do agree that I need some DEEP rest and a RESET before starting the next season. I love to be active and need sport in my life but I don’t need structure or numbers at this point.

Thank You

I want to express my sincere gratitude for my coach, Liz Waterstraat, and her help in this journey. In all aspects of it. We make a good team. I appreciate her knowledge, patience, attention to detail and the big picture, communication skills, varied and specific workouts, sense of humor, levelheadedness. Thank you, Liz!